"'cause, i missed you"

it's eleven o'clock at night and i am trying to decide on a color to paint my toe-nails. with far too much thought and consideration i have worked it down to two contenders: "gold", or "watermelon". watermelon is a vampy fushia-hot-pink, far from the color of any watermelon i have ever seen, and gold, well it is just that. these are my two favorite nail colors, other than black, which i feel is too dark a contrast against my powdery white winter feet, so therefore has been vetoed. i think about the black polish and think of tanned feet, tanned legs, shoulders speckled with freckles, and pinkish bronze cheeks. 

this has been the longest winter. i don't think i can remember winter lasting this long, ever. i know i must think it every year as i wait for spring, but this year it is as though winter read my thoughts all of those years and finally worked up the stregnth to say "oh yeah? you think you have it bad? i'll show you!" winter is a bully. a nerdy-skinny-boy-turned-bully that has been working out for the past few years and has come into his own. on behalf of all of those living in the mid-atlantic region, i think i can safely cry "uncle" and hand over my lunch money. 

i am writing again. not because i am feeling inspired to, or compelled to, or because i have anything meaningful to say (i just wrote a paragraph about toe-nail polish selection, and one about how i am tired of winter... as we all are). i am writing again, because i need to. because i missed it, and because i have been listening to too much sappy 90's music, and re-reading dave eggers books. because this winter i have been silent, motionless - static. some of this is due to exhaustion. i have been so tired these past few months. pregnancy has kicked my ass this time around. while most of the nausea has disappeared, the fatigue still weighs me down. there are mid-day naps, and sleep-ins whenever i can manage them, but they still never seem like enough.

part of me blames the weather. back to winter again, i know, but the darkness, and the cold, and the un-shoveled side-walks of neighbors who don't want to exit their homes and clear a path so i can drag my toddler, that i have dressed up like a huge black marshmallow, outside in her stroller to freeze and get some time out of the house, has really put a damper on my energy levels. i keep telling myself that in other countries, on other continents, hell in other states, or counties, people go out in this weather just like they would in the summer. they don't let a bit of cold or some icey sidewalks deter them. they bundle those little ones up, throw on a hat and go. in scandinavia, parents regularly bundle their kids up and let them nap outside while they enjoy a bite to eat in a cafe. the more i think about it the more i believe i am spoiling chloe by allowing her to stay inside. 

she has spent way to much time in side this winter. this is not entirely my fault. she is not good at wearing gloves or mittens, and therefore every time we are out we run into the problem of very cold, beet red hands that i am sure are going to become frost-bitten and have the tips of the fingers become black and fall off. i am sure of it. we leave the house with her hands in her mittens, and within two minutes of being outside she has taken them off and submerged her hands into snow. she throws the snow, forms it into a ball and flings it. she eats a ball of snow, and then she begins to cry. she looks at her reddened hands and starts to flap them like a baby bird. she wails and submerges them back into the snow to get them to stop burning, not realizing that the cold is making them feel like they are on fire and... damnit. i pick her up and carry her wailing squirming body back inside to warm them up under some warm tap water if she will allow me, and in between my own hands if she cries too much. within minutes of this event she wants to go back outside. i put her mittens back onto her hands and give her a quick talk about the importance of mittens, how they will keep her hands warm and cozy. she looks at me and i cannot tell if she understands. we head outside again for round two. it takes her less than thirty seconds to remove her mittens and sink her hands back into the snow. really? really? gosh-darnit! 

part of my isolation or being a recluse is due to having a toddler.. a toddler who gets bored easily (i know, don't they all?), who throws some of the most impressive tantrums (again, don't they all?), and who i can hardly keep up with in my own home at this point (anyone else out there hear me on this as well?). when the weather is milder i feel like we can get out easier and burn off energy somewhere appropriate, like a playground or zoo, which then allows me to indulge in a little time afterwards, grabbing lunch with a friend while my slightly more mellow-ed kiddo eats a sandwich, or peruse a thrift-shop with a child who has already gotten some energy and is therefore less likely to jump on every sofa, or attempt to climb a hutch filled with china. being a social recluse at home most days has been good in that it has given us some semblance of a routine and it has been good for potty-training. but it makes for little to write about.

i have also been a bit scared. i had some trouble getting pregnant (something i hope to write more about in the future now that i am pregnant), and while i am not one to usually let odd stuff bother me much, and usually pass everything off as normal pregnancy stuff, it feels like every abdominal pain or cramp makes me worry. i have tried to calm myself with meditation, yoga, exercising when i can... and i just don't want to talk to people about it because it makes me feel like more of a spaz than i already fear i am. now that i am just about 15 weeks i am starting to feel a bit better, and hoping that the worst is over and that glorious second trimester burst of energy and nesting instinct sets in. 

because i am going to rock pregnancy this summer. i have visions in my head, and i have been pinning stuff on pinterest. photos of women in cut-offs with big baggy tank tops, and cute leather sandals. sun-dresses, and bandeau bras. bikini's with bare pregnant bellies. big, wild, unruly hair pulled into braids and messy buns adorned with colorful vintage scarves. huge beaded necklaces, and sunglasses. fruit, and salads, sunshine, playgrounds, long walks, oh the walks are going to be epic! chlo better be ready to walk this summer, because there is nothing are very few things i enjoyed more when i was pregnant! i am not going to be sweaty, grumpy, and uncomfortable. no, i am going to be sweaty and on the move. i am going to glow. i am going to own that big belly waddle, like a penguin on a mission.... spring just has to hurry up and get here already, because i know once it does i will be better. i miss it, and i need it!

and in a way, i feel that it is just that much nearer after writing here on this little blog. like spring is a dream that needs to be wished for in order to come true.... or something like that. i may have watched too many disney films lately.

but yes, let spring come! and let winter hide away under a big, mossy, green, rock! and yay for potty-training, and hooray for writting, and for babies, and for hope, and for conquering fears, and for playgrounds, and for gold toe nail-polish!

and i wish only good things and spring-time for you, who uses their very precious time to read this very silly little blog.


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