2013 and PROGESTERONE and ALL THE HARD DAYS

so, i just finally made myself post this week's portrait project. i usually do so on sunday mornings, or even on saturday. i had taken the photo earlier this week, and i knew it was the one i would share, but there was a part of me that didn't want to admit that there were less than ten weeks left in this year. not when i can so clearly remember posting her first portrait. not when i feel that i have so much left to accomplish... 

this year has been one of my favorites with some not so favorite stuff mixed in... like a favorite meal that your mom hides vegetables in. it is mostly good, but you can still feel those bits in your mouth and they make it just a tiny bit difficult to fully enjoy. despite my joy over all the good things, there have just been those little bits that have nagged me and made it hard for me to really clear my plate, even though it is one of my favorite meals.... 

this analogy falls apart here.. and it might have gone on too long. i apologize.

this past week christian and i realized that my body just isn't on the schedule it should be for me to get pregnant again. we had a hunch about this for a while... but i guess i didn't want to pay too much thought to it. however, periods that come too soon, last too long, and seem to debilitate me in a way that i think is rather ridiculous, are hard to ignore, especially when you are hoping for a pregnancy. then there are all the other bizarre and random things going on with my body that i have been chocking up to being "old" (weight that won't go away no matter how i change my diet or exercise, a lack of energy, itchy and scaly skin that has weird bumps all over it, hot flashes and sweats, and some anxiety that no amounts of yoga or mediation can help). when i started reading about luteal phase deficiency, which means that you get your period too soon, i felt like what i was reading described exactly what i was going through. when you don't have a long enough luteal phase, which is kind of an important time for a fertilized egg that is looking to implant, you will often have a hard time getting pregnant and often miscarry. 

and then i read about the cause of luteal phase deficiency... low progesterone. and when i read about the other side effects of low progesterone, my jaw just about dropped. all the silly things going on with my body that i have been blaming on my age, could just be due to a hormonal imbalance.... then i remembered how i got pregnant with chloe - i had messed up my birth control. which means i probably had enough progesterone stored up in my fat (that's where it lives), to get me by until the placenta started making enough. which might explain why i never quite felt like i went back to "normal" after having chlo... why i just haven't quite felt like myself. it is so easy to just think that you just changed a bit, that you body changed, and you just need to get used to it...  change is a normal part of life, and sometimes it can be a little difficult to adapt, but eventually you figure it out. you think you are stressed, or just not eating healthy enough, or you blame it on not drinking enough water... when you actually might have something going on that there might be a remedy for.

so, now i finally have some non-official answers. answers that need to be confirmed by a doctor.. and hopefully a solution that will be easy, and quick, help me get pregnant, and maybe get me back to feeling like my old self. 

i spent a lot of time this year just trying to focus on all the good things and not let the silly little stuff ruin it. i have relished in the second year of my daughters life, and my third year of being married to my favorite man. i have embraced becoming thirty. but the anxiety, and the infertility, and the feeling of unease with this other version of myself have plagued me the whole time. i have withdrawn, become bitter, and i have been so tired. 

this past week i had a really bad day. it was the first time that i can remember crying in front of chloe. she was acting up... more than she usually does. i was exhausted and sore, and overwelmed but also comforted knowing that there might be an answer for what was happening to me. i cried because i don't think she knows who i was before i had her - the version of me, that felt like me (i think it was a funner and more carefree version of my current self). i cried because i was happy to have some hope, and at the thought of having another child. i cried because i realized that even my hardest days have some hope, and a whole lot of love. 

chloe walked over to me while i was piling up books that were thrown all over the floor. books that she had thrown all over the floor during a fit. she got two inches from my face and smiled. smiled her goofy little impish smile, right in my face. then she sat on the floor on the books, in her t-shirt and diaper, and continued to smile at me. it was right to be there, that minute, that day, this year. i was in the perfect place right then. and i wouldn't trade any of this, any day.




3 comments:

  1. lots of encoourageent, everything will be ok ;)

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  2. are you and your family ok??? because i miss your posts!

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    Replies
    1. thank you so much - we are all okay. i didn't mean to take a break, but i think i needed it... i took a break from a bunch of stuff, and it was good. but now i am back! thank you again! you are the sweetest!

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