christian's alarm goes off, he hits the snooze and rolls back over towards my own sleepy body. he sighs and flops his arm across my mid-section with familiarity. it's his first day back to work after our week and a half long vacation. as he tightens his embrace i feel his hand against my lower abdomen, and then i know i have to pee. 

i wiggle and he holds me a tiny bit closer before i whisper "i need to go to the bathroom" and make my escape. he releases and i stumble to the bathroom. i adjust the dimmer on the light. it is thirteen minutes after six, but there is not quite enough light coming through the bathroom window yet... not enough light for the task at hand. i walk over to the sink and open one of the walnut stained large cabinets underneath and with my hands i fumble to find the box of pregnancy tests.

the box is right next to the box of ovulation tests. the ovulation tests were the sticks i fumbled to find two weeks ago about the same time each morning, until a steady, not blinking, smiley face made it's appearance. once the smiling face gave me the go ahead i had stashed the box away. then i stopped my ritual of peeing on a stick for almost two weeks, until today.

it feels like i have been peeing on sticks for months. in fact, i have been peeing on sticks for almost three months. and not cheap sticks. the ovulation sticks cost more than the pregnancy tests... almost twice the amount. however, unlike the pregnancy tests, the ovulation tests do give me a bit of hope each month, knowing that i will get a positive at some point. i will ovulate, and that test will tell me that i am. i have tried taking my temperature, doing the whole cervical mucus thing, and all that, but i guess the pee-stick tests appeals to the tiny little analytical bit of me that likes to get a measurable and standardized result. if it could give me a number i might even be happier. 

the pregnancy test though, that is a horse of another color. for over three months now they have not changed. the same single blue line in the first window, the same "not pregnant", the same negative result. day after day as i anxiously await to miss my period. until my period arrives and i am left undoubtedly un-pregnant and now with the mess of hormones, compounded with my anxiety, leaving me a big bloody mess.

the first time it happened i can remember telling my husband that it almost seemed like a cruel joke. you get your hopes up, you wait to miss it, you pee on a stick every day, and then the bleeding starts. you are left without a pregnancy, and with all the hormones accompanying your period. how is one supposed to deal with this? just when i am at my peak of emotional instability is when i am handed a whopping dose of disappointment. i don't feel like i should cry after three months of trying, but i do. 

i cried the first month, the second month, and the third. i know there are people who try, who have been trying, for longer than we have. when i think about them, i feel guilty for crying. i feel more guilty for crying when i look at chloe. chloe who we conceived so effortlessly. chloe is our surprise baby. she is the child that will have us warning our teenager(s), "it only takes one time!"

but not this time.

i held chloe on my lap last night and snuggled her. i love her. if she was my only baby i would still be very very happy. she is more than enough, that wild and tenacious little woman. i want another, or two, but yes, i could be happy with this one. i AM happy with this one, extremely happy. i am aware that i have a good thing here, and that i am very blessed, that many would want what i have. that i should be overwhelmed with joy for what i have been given. it is so good.

i think about this joy as i find the right box and pull out one of the three tests. i unwrap it, approach the toilet, and as i am "testing", i count. then i carefully put the purple cap back on the test and rest it on the side of the sink. i wash my face and brush my teeth, and try not to look at it, although i know i will sneak a glance at it just about every five seconds. it's presence cannot be ignored. i hope. i plan what i will do when the two little blue lines in the first window appear. despite many many negative results i always have a bit of hope with each test. today i plan to run into the bedroom and snuggle my husband close and whisper "we are having a baby!". then i imagine we will both laugh, and hug, and maybe he will even cry a tiny bit. or maybe his eyes will just brim with happy tears. i know i will cry, a different cry than in the past months, one of those good satisfying joyful cries. we will keep it quiet, and not announce it until the tell-tale bump is evident. i will relish the morning sickness, knowing that the pregnancy hormone is there, and coursing strong in my blood. i will rub my tummy and smile. we will debate names and whether to find out the gender. i will nest. will christian start to grind his teeth again when he sleeps? like he did with chloe... will he be more excited this time?

i watch the test and wait for the line.... i wait for the second line... i wait.

and it never appears.


  1. he'll arrive... you know, we waited for 8 months until i got pregnant, the first months we tried to have sex just 1 time, then for many times (during the ovulation days :)), but then we just had sex as usual, and a month it happened!
    don't be anxious because it maybe inhibits the pregnancy. and good luck for the next month!

  2. Oh sweet lady, your post resonated so deeply with me. It took us 2 and a half years to conceive our first and I too went through a roller coaster of emotion with my failing body. Never, ever feel guilt for your feelings; the "some people have it so much worse" the "why the hell did they get pregnant so fast", it's so natural to go there in your mind. Don't let your heart ache break you, it WILL happen xx

  3. i have BEEN THERE. David took about 6 cycles.. after the fourth and fifth I was totally crying and wondering if it would ever happen. So I totally know what you're feeling, the sadness and the guilt about getting so hung up after just a few months.

    also, sometimes I wonder about all that temperature / cervical mucus / ovulation test stuff. I didn't do the tests but I did take my morning temperature religiously for almost a year before we had David. and then we were so careful to try on the "right" days. But when we decided to try the second time, I didn't do any of that stuff, I just sort of waited until it felt right. And she came on the first try. SO. I guess I wonder if I was overthinking it the first time around?

    anyway... I feel for you. I hope you get your second little precious one soon. keep the faith!


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