THIRTY (is not that big of a deal).

last week i turned thirty. i had been telling myself as it approached that it was not a big deal, and it really isn't. when you think about it... it is only nine years older than twenty-one, and twenty-one year olds are all babes in my book... and when you compare a one year old to a ten year old... they are still both children. now, i might be thinking about it too much, and i might just be trying to make myself feel better... but i don't think that thirty is that big of a deal.

but last week, when i turned thirty, and my hormones aligned just so on the night of my birthday.. THAT is when i felt like thirty was the end of the world. there should be some rule where you are not allowed to get your period on your birthday. i am usually a manageable wreck when those hormones kick in... especially since i know they are just that - some funky hormones which are going to precede me just getting my period, like i do every month. despite my knowledge of hormones, periods, and despite knowing that thirty is not that big of a deal, i had a pretty big melt-down. 

i couldn't keep back the tears, i felt ungrateful for being so unhappy on my birthday when so many people had called, written, and taken time to say so many genuinely kind wishes to me. i was short with my husband, and then apologetic, and then upset, and just a big unhappy apologetic mess... apologizing for crying, for being unhappy, for being so tired, for being thirty. it seemed like chloe was being quite a noodge - not napping well, having more tantrums, and just more labile than her usual self. of course, instead of realizing she is cutting her two top incisors, i was taking her oneryness as a reflection of what must be poor parenting on my part - it had to be my fault. i was annoyingly insecure, asking him if i looked old... trying to make a joke out of it, but you know, deep down i was just checking.... and then when he told me i was starting to show my age - all in jest mind you, i went off again... and once again, apologized. 

he should have known better. 

it wasn't a pretty week. 

but we got through it. when he got home the morning before my birthday he sent me out to get a manicure and pedicure. i hadn't treated myself to one in the salon in well over a year. what once was a semi normal monthly routine is now a rare novelty. i found myself sitting in the leather pedicure chair being massaged and pampered. my short little nails being covered in gold polish. thirty is the golden birthday. it was nice to not do anything other than sit quietly. i don't really make small talk when i go to salons. i am not good at it. i always end up asking questions that are too deep, or divulging information that is just too much... then feeling horribly awkward and hoping the manicurist forgets everything i told her. 

we filled the next few days with some time together as a family. took chloe to see despicable me 2 (she sat through the first house, and her and i strolled the mall the rest of it). i laid out in the back yard for hours at a time when it wasn't raining, and then busied myself with sewing and playing with chlo when it was. i tried to stay quiet and not talk a whole lot. i didn't want to be grumpy. i didn't want to complain. i just wanted to enjoy the people around me and not ruin it. i made a cake and we devoured it with family. it was quiet and nice. when you celebrate your birthday on a holiday it is easy to feel as though every birthday is really overplayed. even though the hype isn't all for you (HBD America!), you start to just want a really toned down day. cake with family feels perfect. 

we spent the evening lighting smoke bombs and sparklers. drank a beer or two and walked back to our house, taking time to pause whenever the sky would light up with short bursts of firework displays arising from various directions. i put chloe to bed and then the tears all came with a fury as i laid in bed. thinking, and over-thinking, and processing, and hormonalizing. it had been a good day. i had loved that day. so why was i crying so uncontrollably? why did i feel so horrible? was it my period? was it just that i turned thirty? what was my problem?

bless that husband of mine for dealing with me on days and nights like those. as crappy as i felt, i know he likes to fix things - especially when his fixing of things can make me happy. there was nothing he could fix about this. he couldn't do anything at all.

 more laying out. more play-time with chloe. a night out where we drove all over the city looking for a place with good food, a pleasant atmosphere, and a decent beer selection... which left us at red robin for burgers and cider, left me feeling much better. we came home, curled up on the sofa, and watched "philly throttle". it was as close to perfect as i felt things could get, or atleast a hell of a lot better than the night before. 

the following day chris took chloe swimming, i sat on the deck relaxing and reading a book. i wrote out a meal plan for the week, and a shopping list to accompany it. i thought about how good christian had been to me over the past couple days. while i had spent time lying outside he had cleaned up the house. he put his and chloe's laundry away. he even cleaned the bathroom. he never cleans the bathroom (i actually enjoy giving the bathroom a good scrub, so i really don't mind)... but it had been a mostly enjoyable and relaxing week, despite my crappy mood. we packed up chloe and took her home for her nap.. i told him about my plans to go shopping once she was asleep, and maybe lay out some more if she took a really great nap. we pulled up at home, and i took chloe out of her seat while christian parked the car. i walked in the door.... 


then i cried more. my home full of balloons, friends, and family. i couldn't keep from crying. my whole home full of people who i love. 

i didn't take any photos that afternoon. i snapped this one at the end of the day. i spent all my time relishing the presence of the people that i love. i felt so loved and grateful for such a sweet day. i hugged my dear husband many times. i chased my baby who didn't nap that day either, but ran around with a big bouquet of balloons. 

thirty wasn't that bad. 


  1. Replies
    1. thank-you! i think that thirty is going to be pretty good... or at least not so much different than twenty-nine :)

  2. I can empathise - I never enjoy the day I'm supposed to enjoy, to the point that I feel guilt and then frustration that I can't immerse myself in it like I'm supposed to. It's not until later that I look back and kick myself and wish I had enjoyed it more and wonder why I can't. Too much build up, perhaps? I'm sorry you felt crappy this weekend. Hormones, bleurgh! But it sounds like your husband is the bees knees, and you look truly, truly beautiful in that photograph. I hope you're feeling better now. :)



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