"You don't have a soul, Doctor. You are a soul. You have a body, temporarily." - Walter Miller, A Canticle for Leibowitz

it is national eating disorders awareness week, and while i have never considered myself to ever have an eating disorder, and while this blog is not really about fitness, or nutrition, or body image, i just cannot help but talk about this. at least just for today.

i feel like i am similar to most women, and most people. i want to look good and feel good about how i look. however, i don't really like everything about myself. there are parts of me that i do like - don't get me wrong. there are some things i do really like about this body i am in and i like the person i am. but the overall picture of my entire body, that is where i get a little critical - especially now that i have had a baby.

i exercise. i watch what i eat. i try to dress so that i look thinner. i even do my hair certain ways to try to balance out my smallish face and my curves. i wear spanx when i go out somewhere fancy. i feel guilty after snacking. i set limits as to what i eat, and when i do.  i don't really talk about it much, i like to think i just try to be healthy.

i noticed that i never take full length photos of myself, or when i do, i delete them as soon as i look at them.

i want to be healthy. i know that part of me tries to stay fit just to keep myself in the best working condition i can, for myself, for my family, for my daughter.

there is a huge part of me that wants to love how i look, right now, without any alterations or improvements. i want my daughter to have a mom who loves her own body.

but then there is part of me that just wants to be thin.

i am not saying i have an eating disorder, but i am saying that i struggle with body image. especially since my body changed a bit when i became a mom. i don't think i am alone. i have read articles, and blog posts, and even seen instagram posts that are focusing on this very prevalent issue this week. like i said, i never really thought i had a problem... but now that i am thinking more about it - considering how much time i spend thinking about how to be thinner, how much i can or cannot eat, how much i can't stand my thighs, or how i wish the last bit of my belly would just flatten out... the more i think  about it, the more disgusted i get - not with my body, but with how i treat it, and how i think about it. i have a problem with thinking this way about myself - it bothers me. so i want to stop.

but that is much easier said then done, right? it is much easier to say you are not going to focus so much on what you do not like about your body, or to say you are going to learn to love yourself, or that you are just going to eat healthy and enjoy it... it is hard to really stop yourself from thinking about your cellulite. it takes a real change from within. while i do not know how to completely make that happen for myself, and while part of me does admit that i will probably always have a bit of an inward struggle with loving the body i am in... i can think of one change i want to make.

i want to have more photos of myself, with my family, without cutting off at my neck, or waist, or shoulders. i am not saying that i am ever going to start doing outfit posts on my blog (i love looking at these posts by others, they just aren't my thing), but i am going to post more photos with me in them. i am not going to leave myself out of documenting my days with my family - i am not going to erase my image from potential memories to share with my children and my children's children.  

i know this little step might not get rid of my issues that i have with my body, but i think it is a step.

so here's to learning to love this body the way it is, to treat it good, and not pick it apart. to not be ashamed of it, to use it well, to exercise it, to rest it, to fuel it, to give it a little ice cream now and then. to be an example to my daughter that being healthy is what it's about. to being in photographs that can be passed down to my grandchildren so they can talk remember me, and talk about what a crazy woman i was.

how do you deal with body image issues?

here are two good posts, about body image issues, that i read this week:


  1. Great post- you may have inspired me to write one myself, though I will definitely have to put some thought into to how to word my post first!

    It's so funny how we see ourselves vs how others see us- You look thin & perfectly proportioned to me (hope that doesn`t come off as creeper-ish LOL). Right now, I have gained back ten pounds, and when I look at pictures of myself from 10 pounds ago, I think "I looked so thin!" but at the time, I certainly did not think so! Thanks for sharing :-)

    1. Jess,
      i hope you do write one - I would love to read it!
      it is true that this is much more of a way of seeing ourselves, a mind issue, rather than a real body issue. i am convinced that it doesn't matter your weight, size, or shape, or how much you change the way it looks, until you think about it differently you won't be happy with it.


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