ABOUT BEING AFRAID

so, i have been quiet lately. at least i have on this little blog. i took a few days away, at first because i worked over the weekend, and then because i was tired, and then because i was busy - sewing, cleaning, chasing chlo. i have thought about posting. i feel as though i should post a recipe for something sweet-ish for easter, and something crafty... maybe even some type of activity.. and i still may post some of these things, but i just haven't really been very up for it the past few days. i haven't been down, per say, but i have just been thinking, and cleaning. i tend to do my best thinking while cleaning, and really while scrubbing... a dirty kitchen, or filthy bathroom can provide me with a good bit of time to clear my muddled head, and is less expensive, and more productive and effective than any therapist i have ever met. as i scrub i think and analyze and then let the thoughts slip right out of my noggin', washing away just like the dirt, soap scum, and grape jelly. 

so my kitchen is clean, as is my bathroom... all my laundry is done and put away. i have a good amount of my sewing done... and it is time to blog about life, food, raising the best toddler ever, or what i am doing with my shop.. and there is so much going on. but, how do i say it all without boring you to tears, because who am i kidding? i do the same stuff you do every day, and then write about it. i put in all in a post, and upload it onto a little website, and i hope people read it, enjoy it, take something from it, relate to it. i do it so you can say, "hey, me too!". i do it so that i can remember it. i do it to process the little things, these little hours, and days that make up the big chunks of life that seem to pass by so quickly, even as these hours and days seem so horribly long at times.

i have been struggling with being happy with the hours and days that i live. i am in love with my life as a whole. i love the man i have married, i love the dreams we dream together... and i love that he is good at making these dreams come together, much better than i could alone. i love our little toddler - the happiness, laughter, silliness, and energy that fills her. and i love the home that we have made. i love my career, even though i may say otherwise some days, and i love that i am sewing and creating. i love that spring is coming and that i am no longer cold all the time, and that i am outside again. the big picture is not the problem. i am happy with that. i am happy with the future, the problem is today.

today, where i am frustrated with where i am working, and i want to have the life my husband and i are working towards, right now. i want to be able to sew more, and be outside all year, and i want more babies, gosh darnit! and i am scared that these things are never going to change. that i am always going to want. that these dreams won't be attainable, that i am stuck in my job forever, that there won't be more babies, that our happiness will run out. during the day to day, i get scared and anxious in a way that isn't really apparent to those around me. i don't hide away in my room, i don't cry... but i  stay up way too late worrying about things that make no sense even to me. i can't sleep, i can't be productive, and i can't talk about it... and i get upset as i feel that my days are going nowhere and everything is being wasted... and when i think about it more i realize it is silly to worry about such things, but then i get anxious that i am a silly person... and all of this makes no sense, right? 

this anxiety which keeps me up at night, and makes me miserable to be around, my lack of contentedness... my crazy urge to attain it all in a day, or a week at the most, it happens when i stop writing, when i stop talking, when i don't allow my mind to clear, when i stop reflecting. when i stop my silly blogging. when i stop taking time to scrub the floors instead of swiffer-ing them.

when i blog about my day to day, when i write about experiences, when i scrub the floor and allow my mind to clear, this all makes sense. the pieces come together and i focus. i know where i am going, i am happy about what happened that day, or even if i am not, i have said it, and it is over - my thoughts are expressed, and not hostage in my head for me to guard. maybe it is just that i am tricking myself into believing that i have it together when i write, but it feels good to feel "together"... that i just don't care who is tricking me. it works.

so which happens first, me being quiet and then not writing? or me not writing and becoming quiet?

like i said before.. i hope that maybe even one person reads this and thinks "hey, me too!"

and for those of you who have read this and left scratching your head, here are some instagram photos:






because, really now, even when life makes no sense, and you find yourself anxious and your mind spinning about with nonsense... 

smiles from a chubby cheeked blue eyed girl who calls you "ma-ma", bring you right back where you belong, give you courage, and force you to enjoy that moment, no matter how scared you might be inside.



2 comments:

  1. Leah... I literally found myself nodding along as I read this.

    I am with you on all of this.

    I`m happy, but perhaps like you said, I struggle with being content. Or sometimes, fear of losing what makes me happy prevents me from being content with what I have in the moment. Sometime I am fine, but sometimes it can be hard and overwhelming, and I worry and become anxious. Right now, I am waiting to move into a new apartment in a little over a month, and I realize how much I struggle with the "in between times." The waiting for things to happen, that I want to happen NOW! It seems so silly, but that constant feeling of waiting really can make me miserable at times. If I had one goal right now, it would probably be to learn to just be content in the moment. Always. Or, almost always. It can be hard, but after reading this I am going to put more effort and energy into living in, and enjoying, the moment :) Happy Easter!

    Jess

    ReplyDelete

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