end of the world notes

if tomorrow is the end of the world:

all these christmas projects i have piled up won't mean anything.

my student debt will be gone -  yay!

it will not matter that i didn't clean out the fridge today, like i should have... two days ago.

i will have worn the most amazing red wool skirt once. the skirt that i felt guilty spending money on, but convinced myself to buy because i knew i would wear it so many times and have it forever.

i will be upset with myself for not calling out of work tonight.

i want each of these special people to know this:

my friends - thank you for putting up with me! to be my friend is no easy task. i am very much an introvert, and knowing the real me takes a lot of time. you are part of a very small group of people that i cherish. none of you are fake friends, or casual friends, you are all true friends who know me. i love you all so much and wish i spent more time with you. i know that motherhood has made me even more distant, but i hope you all understand that i still love you and consider you to be important parts of my life.

my parents - i love you, both of you. thank you for everything you taught me about life. i forgive you.  if tomorrow wasn't the end of the world i would want you to know how much i hope you don't give up on me, how i really hope deep down that you continue to pursue knowing me. i watch chloe hide from me and wait for me to find her. there are parts of me that hope you will continue to try to find me. thank you for giving me life.

 my siblings - each of you are special to me and i have loved seeing each of you grow. like my friends, i wish i spent more time with you. i have dreamed of getting older with each of you, and us becoming closer, having huge family gatherings with tons of babies and craziness - much like how we grew up. it makes me sad to think we won't have this, but i am glad i got to know each of you. i am proud of each of you.

chloe - i love you, love you, love you. you are pure magic - proof that miracles happen. your crazy little baby self has amazed me since the day you were born. i could watch you run around our home, listen to you babble on imaginary phones, and hold your little hands in mine day after day forever. while i have dreamed of all the days we would spend together, sometimes full of sadness with the realization that you will get older, and sometimes bursting with excitement of all the things you will do - every day with you that i have had has been a gift. i love you, love you, love you.

christian - you are my match. my best find ever. i know the love i have for you is young and in the grand scheme of things, when thinking about the lifetime that we have imagined, these past few years are hardly anything weighed against all we were supposed to be together - all we dreamed of. still, this love has become my lifework - loving you is all i have ever wanted to do. i have dreamed of growing old together, of the adventures we will have, of our babies. we have hardly started, but that is okay..."i'm glad i didn't die before i met you". i love you.

if tomorrow is not the end of the world then i have a ton of work to do. student debt to repay. i will be glad i did go to work. christian, i want more babies. i hope to spend more time with all the people listed above, and wish you, my blog readers, the very best of days. it does sound cliche' to say "live each day as if if were your last", but why not try to just for tomorrow?

all my love,


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